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Subject: Tour 2 !?
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Apparently ultimate as we know it, played on a flat rectangular pitch of cut
grass, is too boring and predictable.
Only this could explain the events of last weekend when an official
BUF-sanctioned event was hosted on a site that would have been better suited
for a weekend of orienteering.
In a statement tournament organiser VP Noncing Stropbaärk said, "The problem
is that if the pitches are always the same then the players can cheat by
planning in advance what they are going to do in the game itself. Some
teams even meet and set up mock pitches of their own and practice on them in
secret ahead of the tournament.
"It is in order to stamp out precisely this kind of bad-spirited
win-at-all-costs tendency that we on the BUF brought in a few
counter-measures this weekend. Features such as wobbly/curving/non-existent
sidelines, random up/downhill gradients, knee-high grass and not always
being able to see the opposing endzone when you start the point - all mean
that players have to think on their feet and use their initiative. Or a
compass."
Asked whether it was also part of the plan to situate the nearest toilets
over a half-mile round trip from the 'pitches' and to fail to supply any
vegetarian food during the day, nor any food at all in the evening Ms.
Strepthraät snapped back, "There's a whiner element in every community - I'd
rather focus on the achievements of the last weekend.
"By making sure that every pitch was deeply rutted and pitted along with
rows of hidden cracks and a random distribution of holes and depressions as
well as rocks, flints and broken glass we took a huge step towards breaking
up the monotonous flow of the game that puts so may potential viewers off.
The more tedious cutting and passing elements of the sport were balanced
against plenty of action as players regularly went down clutching torn ankle
ligaments, twisted knees, concussions and camera-friendly heavily-bleeding
open wounds.
"Let's face it, we know what's best for the sport - the only way forward for
ultimate is to attract as much sponsorship and TV coverage as possible
because without that, those who administer the game will never feel as
important as we deserve to. If we can move on from the gains of last
weekend to rename the top teams, kick everyone else out of the sport and get
some town centre disturbances going before the big games then we will have
amply repaid you the value of your BUF subscription fee."
Ms Stripaäkht refused to comment on rumours that the Nationals Tournament
was to be replaced by a one-match "BUFBowl I" between the Catch Crusaders
and the Duffboy Disembowellers.
Sorry, I couldn't resist. The food was over priced and poor quality, I
understand the bar ran out of beer and shut early and the prizes were a
disgrace, especially spirit.